may god of me protect my soul

I’ve been feeling very stuck inside myself lately. Which I know is common of autism, but I’m actually aware of it. Like, I want to express myself properly and be outwardly emotional but I can’t. There’s this wall of apathy surrounding my brain that fills it with “why bother?” whenever I feel an emotion. 

And I hate being this way because I know it hurts people. I feel like a shitting person because I know I’ve been pushing my friends away. I don’t know how you all put up with me.  I don’t even want to be my friend anymore. 

I’m stressing over A-kon, not because of cosplays or anything but I’m terrified of talking to anyone. I’m scared of big gatherings and being surrounded by people. Especially loud people. And I can’t even stick by a few close friends because then I’d feel like a creepy antisocial weirdo. But I just… don’t want to deal. I don’t want to be social. At least verbally.

Sometimes I wish I could be Celty in real life. Communicate only via text. Because that seems to be the only way I can properly convey anything at all anymore. Sure that’d mean no longer having a head and being a freak of nature, but I  already got the latter bit down pat. 

People think I’m joking when I say I identify with Cas, but I’m not. I really do. I don’t understand people and their complexities at all. I’m trying my best but it’s just so damned difficult. And the thing is I do care, I care a great deal about several people in my life. I want to do better because I’m tired of hurting those I care most about. But the more I try to figure things out the more I don’t understand. 

I feel programmed.  For most of my life I never really had choices. Well, I did, but they were always dictated by someone else. I let myself be controlled and manipulated by my family and friends. I hate being so unsure about myself all the time. What is nature and what is nurture? I’ so scared of turning out like either of my parents. What if I was just born to be a socially inept jerk like my father? Sure, he makes a good living and whatnot but I know he’s not 100% happy. And my mom is just…. my mom. I don’t want to be like her either.  I want to be me, but I don’t know who “me” is anymore. 

To complicate things even further, I’m in my first real relationship since summer of 2010.  The first time I’ve let my guard down and become vulnerable. It’s scary for me. Because whenever I’m with someone all I wnt to do is please them and make them happy. To the point where I stop caring about myself. So what if I hurt? If the other person is happy that’s enough for me. I like doting on someone and caring for them. Even if I don’t always feel appreciated. But the last thing I want to do is hurt them. 

And I don’t like it when people act like just because I like attention online it means I like it in person, too. I don’t. There’s a difference between thousands of nearly anonymous internet people paying attention to me and people in real life. You can eit out of the internet and delete negativity. You can’t do that in person. I don’t like being the center of attention. It’s why I prefer to be behind the camera instead of in front of it. 

Speaking of attention, I keep getting approached by all these people to compete to be Miss Texas. LEgitimate offers by talent agencies, coaches, etc.  But that ties into the whole attention thing. I hate competition, or contests in general. I’d die, probably. Plus I know I’ll never be as pretty as the next girl.  It’d just be a huge shitfest all around. You’d have all these hot babes dancing and doing hula hoop tricks and I’d just stand there making armpit farts. 

I really should go back into wearing makeup more often. But I don’t know if it’s hormones or stress or something else but my skin has been acting up like a mad fool. I’d put makeup on if I wasn’t worried about my face breaking out more thn it already has.  Between that and my trich coming back and fucking up my hair, I feel like a hideous troll. Yet another reason why I’m stressing over A-kon.  People expect a pretty Harley Quinn or Pinkie Pie, and right now I don’t feel like that at all.  I’ll just be another ugly bozo in a flashy costume.  I just know the bronies are going to trash me to death. They only like pretty cosplayers. 

I did finally replace the TV and computer that were stolen, though. The computer is not the same (it’s actually a bit less awesome, but it does what I want which is what matters) but the TV was a fantastic deal.  I got a 47” LG flat screen 3D smart TV for $1,050 after tax, when they normally run at nearly 2k.  It’s a nifty TV. Once I get it set up to the internet I can play Youtube videos on it, Netflix, ITunes, all that good stuff.  TVs have definitely come a long way. 

Why is it whenever I get money it wants to disappear? :C  This is mostly my mom, though, as I promised her a new motherboard for her laptop for her birthday. But lately they’re so expensive and I know my mom, she’ll just leave the laptop around and hardly use it. Why should I spend $800 on something that’s likely to just sit there collecting dust and cat hair? But, she’s my mom, and that’s what she wants. She also wants $3k to go towards credit card stuff so I have to write her a cheque for that too. Nearly $4k of my awesome insurance money goes right into her pocket.  But on the bright side, that means I can use my platinum Amex card to book a fun trip for my partner and I. I think we could both use a proper vacation that’s not a convention. Here’s to hoping. 

Also I’m really sick of rabid Destiel shippers crashing the Megstiel tags to bash on the ship.  Megstiel is awesome too. Why does it have to be one or the other? I don’t get fandom sometimes. Regardless, please stop ragging on Megstiel. Let people ship their ships in peace!

Okay, now I feel a bit better that I’ve written out most of my feelings. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it before he went to sleep but my brain didn’t want to verbalize. I’m just a depressed, useless lump I suppose.

and she asked me how to make one

I’m like

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:B